The snivelly self-entitled "Millennials" (those born after 1981) are checking our asses by coming out with a list of things that are no longer cool. So if you’re a Boomer or Gen X'er reading this, please accept my apologies in advance.
We all know that change is difficult, but these trends are never coming back in style, and we are just going to have to accept it. Here are the most unforgivable trends Baby Boomers still think are cool, but need to end immediately.
Cable TV: Cable may have once been necessary to watch TV, but that’s no longer the case, and Boomers need to get with the times. Not only is satellite and cable outdated, but streaming is cheaper and provides personally tailored options for the things you actually watch. Cut the cord!
Writing Checks: If you’re still writing checks in this day and age, you’re clearly stuck in prehistoric times because no one even accepts them anymore. Plus, banking apps process them with real-time photos, and with digital transfers available, why would you want to writing one anyway? It's time to rid yourself of the dirty looks and sighs because you're holding up the line at the supermarket.
Malls: While the mall was once an escape for retail therapy and socializing, the malls of today’s America have only decayed. Also, society’s online shopping availability has eliminated the need for malls, as common sense shoppers know the inventory and crowds and threat of being carjacked, robbed, and/or murdered just isn’t worth it.
Using a Briefcase: Looking at the men here, but let’s point out the obvious ... we work on computers now, and literally every piece of information is online, so what could you possibly be carrying around in a briefcase? Pens and paper? Sorry Gramps, but it's time to retire that Cole Haan, Gucci, or Louie.
Catalogues: It doesn't matter if you signed up years ago, there’s literally no point in catalogues anymore. Companies feature their promotions and entire product lines online, and you’re going to have to go there to order things anyway. So save Mother Earth and ditch the traditional catalogue.
Socks and Sandals: For the love of all things holy, why on Earth did anyone ever do this? The entire point of sandals is sockless footware, and also, it just looks absolutely ridiculous.
Diamonds: Sorry Shirley, but diamonds are no longer forever. Yes, we know how precious these jewels are to the older generation, but the reality is that many young people today don’t care about diamonds. We have become more simplistic, and have found cheaper alternatives. Let's be honest; can anyone really tell a real diamond from a cubic zarconia?
Phone Hip Clip: For whatever reason, Boomers think it’s necessary to have their cell phones attached to their hip, as if they don’t have purses or enough pockets already. Not only does it look tacky, but they should learn to actually use their phone before worrying about missing a call or message.
Conspiracy Theories: It’s interesting that the very generation that was first exposed to media is the one most manipulated by it, and many Boomers believe some absolutely off-the-wall claims. It's time to use the internet for your own fact checking. Yeah sure, next they are going to tell us that Alzheimer's Joe actually won the 2020 election.
High Waisted Jeans: There are many things that seem to repeat themselves in fashion, but high-waisted jeans are something that doesn’t deserve condoning. Simultaneously uncomfortable and unflattering, were they really ever in style?
China Dishware: It’s inevitable that when showing up to a Boomer’s dinner party, they’ll be serving something in some outdated china. Why they haven’t upgraded their dishware in 50 years is anyone's guess. China is fragile, seems to mysteriously chip just collecting dust in the breakfront, and has to be hand washed. Like who has smart dinner parties anymore anyway?
New Balance Tennis Shoes: These are unmistakable, and makes it easy to identify a Boomer in seconds. Anyone wearing the classic, bulky white New Balances is certified to be over 55, and clearly has zero taste or sense of fashion. Please don’t wear these, because it’s only putting you into the lost cause category.
Phone Books: When’s the last time a phone book was left at your front door? That’s because it rarely happens anymore, unless you request one of course, and if you’re doing that, you’re only showing your age. First of all, every phone number is on the internet, and secondly, who wants their name, phone number, and address published for all the world to see?
Jorts: (Jean/Shorts) While jorts may have made sense back when the only alternative was, well, actual jeans, they now only make you look outdated. Sure, they’re durable, but jean material is heavy, hot, unbreathable, and takes forever to dry. Lighter weight material is a lot more practical, cooler, and cargo shorts have big pockets for your cellphone. If you can remember cutting off your jeans for summer, you're definitely a Boomer.
24-Hour News Networks: Staying informed is important, especially in this day and age, but over saturating us with the news is a cardinal sin these days; especially in an age of biased fake news reporting and redundant broadcasting (courtesy of CNN and the big three networks).
Hawaiin Shirts: There is a reason why you will never see someone under 50 wearing a Hawaiian shirt; they’re corny, and went out of fashion decades ago. Even worse, Hawaiin shirts are now considered racist. #Stop Polynesian/Pacific Islander Hate
Writing in Cursive: Regardless of whether you had to learn it in school, the reality is that no one uses cursive in the outside world, and if they do, they’re going to get some confused looks. Most people’s handwriting is already bad enough, ao why make reading it even more difficult? If you think about it, why are we manually writing down anything anymore?
Dad Slacks: Another infamous fashion faux paux is the willingness to wear business casual shorts resembling your office slacks cut in half for the golf course. Even worse, they’re usually accompanied by tucked-in shirts and the aforementioned New Balances. Sorry Jim Edmonds, you’re under arrest.
Home Shopping Networks: Whether it’s HSN, QVC, or any of the other number of television shopping stations, you can bet that 99% of their audiences are Boomers. No one else in their right mind would spend hours watching products be slowly unveiled before buying something you don’t even need. Again, it's the cable thing ... and the invention of this thing called "the internet".
Velcro Shoes: It probably seemed like a good idea on paper. Only two groups of people that wear velcro shoes; young children and old people. If you’re now too lazy to tie show laces, you’re officially old. They may be easy to fasten, but no good looking shoes have velcros. Save the velcroed shoes for your nineties.
Sending Emails: In a generation where everyone has personal computers, better yet, tablets and phones at the palm of their hands, Boomers still elect to send emails rather than a simple text or instant message. Maybe they just don’t realize, but people reserve emails for work and promotional nonsense that no one checks anymore. People over 50 need to understand people under 50.
Cruises: Especially during this ongoing global pandemic, cruises are going to be a hard sell, but not for the Baby Boomer generation. They were already the target audience before, and that’s because they love not having to walk, but is an all-you-can-eat buffet really worth dying for?
Buffets: Although you might still find one in certain southern "Red" states, buffet style dining is fast becoming a thing of the past. First of all, humans are not meant to gorge themselves on food like hogs at a trough. Secondly, they are generally very good, unhealthy, and dangerously unsanitary. If anything good has come out of the pandemic, it is the death of buffets.
Dressing Like a Tourist: For whatever reason, it seems that when you reach that certain age, your propensity to dress like a tourist in your own town of residence doubles. The cargo shorts, the tucked in Polo (with collar up), the random sun hat, and of course, the fanny pack.
Knick Knacks: One thing that millennials seem to have gotten right is that minimalism ensures a less stressful life, and in turn, less clutter. Older generations seem keen on keeping heirlooms and buying random items to fill up their rooms. Collecting knick knacks, bricka bracka, tchotzke's whatever .... it's called hoarding.
Bar Soap: With the ever-growing popularity of body washes replacing traditional bar soaps, it’s no surprise that the only people who still use them are Boomers. These people are stuck in their ways and scents, but the truth is, you get more aroma and bang for your buck with liquid soaps. Also, liquid soaps contain moisturizers and antibacterial agents that can help fight bacterial germs.
Sweepstakes: If you remember Ed McMayon and American Family Sweepstakes arriving at people's doors, hell if you can even remember Johnny Carson, then you're probably really old. No one under the age of 30 has ever participated in a sweepstakes, and most adults haven’t been interested in one since the 1950's. But Baby Boomers are always enticed by a longshot chance at a million bucks, even though you have a better chance of winning the lotto. You’re really better off sticking with bingo.
9-5 Work Weeks: Somehow, the old days of heading to the factory or plant for a laborious 8-hour workday seems asinine, especially after we all got a taste of working from home in 2020. Besides, with the modernity of technology and the overdue acknowledgement of mental health, don't we deserve more personal and "off" time?
Blaming Millennials: While it may be convenient to just blame the younger generations for all the world’s problems, the reality is that Boomers are responsible for exactly where the country (and the world) is at right now, and they are the ones holding up growth and progress. So stop pointing fingers, we're all sharing this planet together.
Paper Bills: Another outdated practice that has seemingly no purpose in the digital age are paper bills being mailed to your house. All they do is sit there and create clutter, anxiety, and serve as a reminder that we're all in debt. With auto bill-pay and paperless billing, there’s no reason for this wasteful practice! Again, it's about the murdering of plantlife and not to mention, the ozone layer.
Toast: Back in the days of pinching pennies and recovering from the great depression, toast became a staple breakfast because it was cheap and simple. Fast forward to the present century where smoothies and breakfast burritos exist.
If you're still buying jellies and jams, then you probably still own a toaster.
"Television" Cop Dramas: We’re not sure what it is about television police dramas, but one thing we do know is that Boomers are obsessed with watching them. Literally every one; it doesn’t even matter the quality or who’s acting. NCIS, Criminal Minds, Law & Order, and probably ones you’ve never heard of ... aren't we past celebrating law enforcement?
Word Art on Walls: We've all seen them ... “Live Laugh Love”, “This House is Blessed”, or "Family Gathers Here". Can you guess who decided to put these non-inclusive quotes on pieces of wood and canvases? Yep it was the Baby Boomers, and unfortunately these tacky Hobby Lobby and/or Michaels decorations have become mainstream. This is a trend that needs to send like yesterday.
Ironing: Okay we get it, everyone gets wrinkles in their clothes and it’s annoying, so you have to take an extra step to get rid of them. But today, there’s better and more environmentally friendly detergents and softeners that eliminate wrinkles, not to mention new and improved steamers which are non-toxic. Ironing clothes is an unnecessary and strenuous waste of time
Raquetball: The ultimate Boomer sport is definitely racquetball, because unlike golf, tennis or the new pickleball rage, you don’t even go outside and have limited mobility in the confines of a small room with air conditioning. While it can be a decent sport at the pro level, it’s usually something you see elders playing for free at your local parks. If you must play racquetball, then please support your local YMCA.
Fuzzy Toilet Covers: First of all, there was absolutely no reason for this trend to ever have existed, period. Who on Mother Earth thought it was a good idea to merge carpets with the place where you’re going to the bathroom? Bathroom carpeting on the floor is bad enough, but wrapping a toilet seat in pink shag carpeting from Fingerhut is just borderline weird, especially with young males in the home. But most importantly, it’s ugly, so let’s just never do that again and pretend this trend never happened.
Patterned Wallpaper: While we're talking bathrooms, let's talk wallpaper. Maybe papered walls were all the rage when Boomers were growing up in the 60' and 70's, but if you are still using wallpapers today, then you need to have your interior decorating privileges taken away. Whoever thought it was a good idea to wrap poorly ventilated steamy rooms with wallPAPER in the first place? Talk about a haven for black mold. Thankfully, bathrooms are the easiest of rooms to remove the paper, so let's get to stripping those walls.
Mrs. Dash: You can tell you’re eating a Boomer’s cooking if you can taste the dangerously high sodium levels in Mrs. Dash. Older people will justify puttng that shit on everything, and something about the taste just triggers the smell of old people. With so many other healthier low-sodium choices, you might try switching it up. Your blood pressure will thank you.
Crocs: While the rest of the young and fashionable world has banished Crocs to the pits of "Hell", Baby Boomers have managed to keep these things in production. Even worse, they're dressing children in them. Sure, they’re functional, but they look ridiculous.
Potpourri: You can almost smell it just reading the printed word. Potpourri is the original room fragrance, but it’s hard to imagine a smell that defines the Baby Boomer generation more than this. It’s musty, leaves a mess, will probably make you sneeze, and has enough chemicals in it to kill an adult cat. Environmentally friendly candles made from bee's wax are much better alternative.